Paperback: £13.99 / $19.95
add to cart
2002, 234mm x 156mm / 9.25in x 6in, 160pp
ISBN: 978-1-84310-017-1, BIC 2: VFJD
JKSN2
VFVC
Introduction
Gisela
When I told my mother-in-law the title of the book, An Asperger Marriage, her reaction was immediate and totally unexpected; she was upset and said 'Oh, surely there is some affection there'. I couldn't understand her response until she repeated the title she had misheard back to me: An Iceberg Marriage.
Sadly, I am sure that there are some people who meet my husband Chris who suspect that an 'iceberg marriage' would be an appropriate description for a marriage in which he is a partner, but fortunately this is far from true.
This book is about our 'Asperger marriage'. We are not speaking for anyone else, though I am sure that many couples in a similar relationship will recognise some of the issues raised as being almost identical to their own. I would like to be able to say that the issues, including marriage, of adults with Asperger Syndrome are well documented, but that is not the case. Like many other couples in our situation, we have met with the view that people with Asperger Syndrome do not get married. Fortunately, the majority of professionals in the field of autism now acknowledge that people with Asperger Syndrome do indeed get married and it seems that they have a higher tendency to produce children on the autistic spectrum. However, this book is not an epidemiological work, nor is it a general guide to 'Asperger marriages'; it is our own personal experience of our own 'Asperger marriage'.
For many women (Asperger Syndrome is much more common in men than women), the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome in their marriage has followed years of unhappiness in which their husband's behaviour had been eccentric to say the least and, in many cases, the marriage has been irreparably damaged.
When Chris first received his diagnosis, I found little solace in the literature that I read from other women in a similar situation. I sensed a great deal of bitterness and could understand, given their experiences, why they felt the way they did. Although I could identify with some of the experiences myself, I had revisited them in my mind and seen that I had misconstrued Chris's actions or, more usually, lack of actions or words.
It is worth remembering that just as any two people who do not have Asperger Syndrome are not the same, no two people with Asperger Syndrome are the same. They do, of course, share a number of characteristics that enable them to be identified as being on the same autistic spectrum. Also, as they say, 'It takes two to tango', and my presence in the marriage is just as influential on its uniqueness as Chris's. We are a couple and we both can influence the success or failure of the relationship.
Relationships
Chris
I'm sure that just thinking about potential relationships occupies a significant part of most teenagers' lives, and for sure this was true for me, particularly so, given that all of my secondary education was spent at a boys' boarding school, where as you can imagine there was a lot of talk and (mostly) speculation about the opposite sex. Since most teenage boys' talk is more hot air than fact, which I realised at the time, and given the fact that most of the talk came from the same small handful of boys, I didn't expect to meet 'the right girl' through one of the usual channels, which for us usually meant one of the discos which were organised fairly often by my school or one of its local associated schools (there were two girls' schools within walking distance).
Indeed, I felt that this ideal partner wouldn't be the sort who would frequent such events. This leads to some fairly obvious difficulties, namely that there seemed to be no alternative means of coming into contact with anyone whose interests lay in directions other than the mainstream. However, I was usually hopeful that 'something' would happen to move things along.
Television programmes thrive on marital discord but I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't fall into any of the poor behaviour that seemed to dominate many relationships and which to me seemed absolutely needless, like the casual unpleasantness, stubbornness, unwillingness to compromise, etc. This intention set me apart from my peers, who made at least a show of thinking only of themselves. I always thought that I could be faultlessly reasonable; needless to say, my reality hasn't always lived up to this expectation!
I never had any clear idea about exactly how I would meet someone appropriate, and I was very conscious of the perceived fact that 'people like me' tend to keep themselves apart from the general interaction which enables meetings to take place. This of course could lead to frustration, and it wasn't always easy to remain optimistic about it, but in general I always thought 'something would happen' without having any clear idea of what it would be.
This may give the impression that I had definite ideas about the particular qualities and characteristics my ideal partner would possess, but this was not the case. Nevertheless, I think I was realistic enough to realise that the peak of physical perfection wasn't a reflection of the real world, and so I was more certain that mental and intellectual characteristics would be more important. (Since then my ideas about what is more physically attractive have become clearer, but that's a different story.) I found the idea of a series of short-term relationships uncomfortable, because that would have meant going through the whole process of meeting and getting to know someone time and time again, and so I wanted as far as possible to establish a lasting relationship with someone who was my intellectual equal, who would be able to hold her own in most situations and who would be a good listener and a friendly adviser, not on any specific subjects, but who would be intelligent and reasonable enough to make at least an informed guess at just about anything.
Every teenage boy I knew secretly harboured elevated opinions about his hidden depths and I was no different in this respect. Indeed it was exactly that - hidden depths - that I thought were just waiting to be discovered. It turns out now in later life that those hidden depths are nothing but a kind of universal angst about life, the world and everything in general, which more than one friend has told me is not unique to me. (This is very difficult to describe in words because it's such a diffuse and elusive kind of feeling, like a far-off and uncertain threat, but I can imagine that it might be quite common amongst people with AS.) Still, I felt that there would be a woman out there somewhere who would find me attractive because the quiet ones have hidden depths.
To make it clear, I was no less interested in the opposite sex than anyone else of my age. However, beyond that, my interests diverged. Besides the usual Asperger-type things I was about the only person I knew who was interested in classical music, and although I was sure that there must be at least a few girls of a similar age who would have at least that much in common with me, it was not made easy for me to meet them. This isn't an indictment against a lack of cultural development provided by the average English independent school, because there were regular organised events of this sort, but probably indicates a lack of imagination on my part.
I know that there is a current opinion amongst some of the professional Asperger-studying community that people with AS don't get married. Yes, I have been told this to my face by one such professional. This seems to defy all logic. There is an even more common opinion that AS has a strong genetic component, and if AS people never reproduce, then this genetic component would have died out at an early evolutionary stage, when in fact diagnosis is becoming ever more common. By making this point I want to talk about the relationships with girls and women that I have managed to have, and how they came about.
Disorganized Children: A Guide for Parents and Professionals
Edited by Samuel M. Stein and Uttom Chowdhury
